UNICORN - Dr. Guichet Internal Femurs 8cm - Summer 2016

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Quote from: Takanori on July 31, 2016, 03:04:16 PMHi Unicorn,

3 weeks ago i was exactly in the same situation. The Hospital is a moment you can't never forget, it is nightmare. Dr G came to visit me and also clicked my legs 3 times in 10 sec but no maccaron for me...

Be prepared to be on different pain for all the month, people said that usually the 2 first weeks are the hardest but in fact all the month is very painfull and the lack of sleep is mainly the biggest trouble of the process.

Hope that you will be fine with your clicks cause it's a problem for many patients, some of them can't do it alone and must have someone to hold the leg high to do it.

Keep strong, YES WE CAN

Taka

Thanks for the heads up Taka!  I'm starting to discover this entire continent called PAIN.  I thought it was just 1 dimension, break legs, legs hurt.  But NO... neck hurts, spine hurts, tummy hurts, heart hurts, ass hurts, toes hurt, head hurts, shoulders hurt, mouth hurts, eye hurts, throat hurts, there's no end to where my leg's got influence.  And it's pissed off at me alright!

Guichet, what can we say.  The last night at the hospital, I was sooo ready for him.  The moment I saw the door handle turn like in one of those horror movies, I threw garlic at him and made a cross sign with my fingers.  When that didn't help, I doused him with holy water.  He didn't flinch.  I finally surrendered, "go ahead, rape me, just don't click me".

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Quote from: Takanori on July 31, 2016, 03:04:16 PM
Hope that you will be fine with your clicks cause it's a problem for many patients, some of them can't do it alone and must have someone to hold the leg high to do it.


On clicking, I have an entire sacred 'Clicking Buddha' ritual.  And it takes less than a minute per set of clicks.

I start by taking painkillers 1hr before clicking time and hop on the bike for a good 30 minutes, 100 reps of extensions, flexions, leg raises.  Once I'm fully warmed up, I put on my favourite zen music and go into clicking trance

RIGHT LEG
I make 2pm with my legs.  The left leg is laid straight out as the long hand of a watch pointing at 12.  The right leg is laid out like the short hand of a watch pointing at 2 (knees bent).  Your back is almost 90 degrees, but please slouch.

Point your right toes towards 3pm, as in slightly outwards than are natural (I know! But it works!)

Then slowly use both hands and bring your knees inwards until there's a click.  If there isn't, just move your right foot along that 2pm line.  The click is somewhere on that 2pm line, either closest to your ass or farthest from your ass.  But damn it, it's there!  You just need to patiently probe the line with your foot inch by inch until you get the click.  And various points of the 2pm line will give you different degrees of 'clicking violence'.

LEFT LEG
Same same, but make 10pm instead.

Closing the clicks, I'm sure everyone can do it.  If too scared, my gentle way is to coax the clicked leg back to 12pm and slowly place the heel on top of the other leg's knee bone.

I might be hypermobile and only this method applies to me, I don't know.  But 2pm and 10pm are my saviours right now

Each leg that finishes gets an ice lolly (ice pack) right away!!!  Hopefully, this gets my legs to cooperate for weeks to come...

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Quote from: NoRegrets on July 30, 2016, 08:13:38 PMI actually imagined the whole thing... dafuk is wrong with me.

You're funny NoRegrets!  See how men and women are different?  You guys go all gaga over T-rexes while I was simply trying to avoid a 'Bridesmaids' movie moment in the middle of the street.  S'il vous plait.

I just saw this 'INSANITY' exercise ad, and they're just a bunch of pussies.  I think people who break their legs willingly (who are not the mafia, screwing the mafia or pretending to be mafia) deserve these free INSANITY t-shirts more than a bunch of middle aged losers sweating it out in their basements.  Really! 

Shaun-T, trying "jacking it out a little faster" after Guichet has had his way with you...!

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Quote from: CCMidwest on July 30, 2016, 08:16:53 PMLol, so did I!

She's a good writer, it's easy to do that I guess. I even imagined her getting chased by a dinosaur. (T-rex, for the record)

Anyway, good updates Unicorn! Hope you're feeling better now.

Dear CCMidwest,

Thanks for asking but things didn't get better after the hospital.  I wonder if it's morphine addiction that I'm suffering now.  I'm counting down to the end of 4 hours like a desperate drug addict (lurking behind dark alley hissing at strangers if they've anything to score...).  The first 30 mins, I'll be feverish, sweating profusely, inconsolable.  1hr into the meds kicking in, I'm the Pink Panther.  Want to see me tap dance on broken legs?  It can be arranged.  Just roll in the baby grand, baby!

Also, my cat has started to ask my helper why it is I spend all day moving pillows around the bed, like a beaver making a dam.  It's not like moving pillows is more fun than clicking, it's just that when you're completely immobile, you can't accommodate your body's ever changing needs.  It's ironic that my broken legs are restless.  But they really are.  No sooner do I lie flat when I feel achy bones, so I move a pillow to prop them on it.  Then my back hurts, so I move another pillow to prop under my head.  Then my restless legs get pins and needles, so I get up and hang my legs off the bed to cycle, and pillows are moved AGAIN to give me leverage.  So, from a cat's perspective, it's true, I do nothing but move pillows around and around my bed all day long. 
(I hope Guichet doesn't read this as we're supposed to be active and shopping on Oxford Street on 2 broken legs - not pretend to be beavers).

Then, there're all these things one take for granted because it's part of our reflexes like grabbing your iPhone (you're guilty), and other inconsequential stuff like spontaneously scratching yourself, reaching over to stretch, turning on/off the fan, putting/removing a clothing, opening/closing a window, reaching for food/water, draping a blanket, grabbing a remote, stuff that your body automatically does without consulting your brains.  Now, everything is a military strategem.  I had to tie 2 ends of a chopstick together with one hair ribbon, tuck and roll, and pivot high enough to shut off my water fountain.  Such is the state of my life right now.

So, back to that drug addiction, is morphine consuming us?  Dare I stop?  I embrace every last bit of the feverish nauseous empty foggy depressive side effects, if it means no legs on fire.

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Dear Guichet's spank slave,

What is your ideal height for a woman? I mean, what height would you like to be if you could simply wish for it?

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Quote from: NoRegrets on July 31, 2016, 08:12:55 PMDear Guichet's spank slave,

What is your ideal height for a woman? I mean, what height would you like to be if you could simply wish for it?

Easy, 5'6"

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Quote from: Unicorn888 on August 01, 2016, 09:10:41 AMEasy, 5'6"
Awesome, you'll be only 1 inch away from it and thats barely noticeable! 

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J+8

Doc G increased my clicking rate to 7x3 today.  I checked with my 2 other compadres and they didn't get the memo yet.  I wonder if Doc G had studied my latest xrays, ultrasound and dexa and noticed that I consolidate too quickly... or did his thumb slip?

In any case, I'm going to learn how to breathe properly during this entire journey and 'master' the fear and stress of clicking.

For breathing slowly, 3 inhale, 3 hold, 3 exhale etc., it works best for me with a blanket over my head.  It worked this morning when my heart palpitated too fast from the stress of various pains showing up unannounced (all the way from my hips to knees, to calves and ankles).  And yet, with slow breathing, I was able to drift off to sleep in the middle of the pain crisis.  Or maybe I just got asphyxiated?

For clicking, I found 2 new techniques that help me   I tape my entire bed with duct tape, ie. left ass cheek here, right ass cheek there, left knee here, right knee there, left toes here, right toes there, so that when I need to click, I just place myself within these parameters and I find the clicks like clockwork.  I hope they don't change my sheets for the next 8 weeks.

Also, I realise that when it gets hard to click (your knee has already descended to that weird unnatural angle and pressure is mounting fast), a click could come if you lift your ass a little.  It's almost like your ass is meeting your click halfway.  I noticed, with the lifting ass technique, I can control how gentle or violent my click becomes.  Same thing with the flick of my ankles.  A subtle flick will soften the click.

Am I high again?

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J+8 (continued)

Being chatty today, I just wanted to say that I didn't get the exercise bike that Doc G recommended.  I bought a peddler instead, that I placed next to my bed.  Whenever, my legs feel stiff or heavy, I'd swing my legs off the bed and onto the bike for a good 10-15 minutes until I'm relaxed.  I noticed that higher resistance and slower peddling alleviates heaviness/stiffness best.

Also, I ice my femurs nonstop all day long.  I bought 4 ice packs and my helper changes them dutifully every hour on the hour.  When I get too sore in an area, I'll use the ice pack and massage it over and over again until it's frostbitten.

Since I have not had any appetite for food, and nausea started last night, I've been running on empty and feel very weak.  I had to run to the bathroom 6 times today (more lactose intolerance) and that just killed me.  So, I've started on a liquid diet .  Banana protein shake, berry protein shake, thick meat soups and I can feel my tummy smile.   I made the mistake of eating raw veges/fruits and didn't realize how much it irritated my digestive system.  From tomorrow on, baby food.  Chicken thigh double boiled in soup with carrots, celery, onions, barley and potatoes.

I'm still too lazy to go to the bathroom to pee, so I use a pipette and a ziplock bag.  Most effective, minimal effort, no mess and no more fear of drinking.  I do about 2 litres of water per day to keep everything hydrated and well lubricated.

I use a hot water bottle on my spine/back as it's starting to ache.  I think my spine's just sick and tired of being ignored while my undivided attention goes to keeping my legs happy.

Lastly, I've been programming my click time so that it doesn't happen in the middle of the night.  The original Doc G schedule has clicking at 4am!!!  I'm now clicking at 8-10am, 4-6pm and 10-12am.  Once I'm done, I pop a sleep aid, a painkiller and sleep a good 8 hours.  I've had to wake up a couple of times thanks to screaming legs, but 10 mins on the peddler usually calms it down enough for me to go back to bed.

I'm just trying to survive and every moment of everyday presents a new challenge.  I haven't shed a tear yet but at times, I really feel near the edge where I'd give anything to finish this process.  I have a good 60 days to go and I'm only at Day 8.  No wonder my blogs are still bushy tailed and chirpy.

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J+9

I finally broke today.

I had tried to get to my physio appointment at 10am at Tottenham Court Road a good 25-30mins cab right in Oxford St traffic (I skipped the first 3 due to all sorts weak excuses I gave myself).  I called Hailo (need black cab since they have swivel chair that allows one to hop onto from a walking frame/crutch easily).  It took 20 minutes for me to walk from my bed to the lobby of my apartment (about 20 metres).  The cab was waiting patiently outside when my right leg buckled.  I felt cold nail against skin (all in my head, I was told it's not possible), it was excruciating.  I was blinded with pain.  I groped for the first thing around, which is the lobby sofa and collapsed.  I was defeated, half panicked that I had broken something and half in shame of my pathetic willpower.

I texted Filippo frantically hoping he would give me some kind words of comfort and validate yet another excuse not to show up at physio.  He replied that he didn't know what to say and that Doc G wouldn't be happy.  Then, I tried bribing, asking him if he could do physio at my house for a £100 a day.  He did not budge.  I promised him that I had made great progress, that I could do all the exercises in the book now without using my hands to support my leg muscles, and that I was meeting the 200 reps requirement for each exercise that Guichet demands.  I was also clicking at a 21 maximum per day with 0 pain, 0 stress and all within 3-5 minutes.  Wasn't that good enough?  Could I not see him and Guichet in 60 day's time?  "Do what you want", he replied resignedly.

I was defeated, disappointed and ashamed of myself.  My doorman enquired what kind of misfortune had befallen me to break 2 legs simultaneously.  That just added even more shame as I couldn't bear to tell him about my vanity and limb lengthening.  I mumbled some unintelligible rock climbing freak accident and just avoided eye contact altogether.

I've always been taught, if you fail, try try again.  We hailed another taxi, and I hopped on and braved the 25 minute traffic to the gym.  We're not talking long distance here, 3.1 miles to be exact.  And yet, the ride is back breaking.  It is so uncomfortable as one's unable to stretch or move about and every little trundle sends shocks of pain up my legs.  By this time, I'm just digging deep.  I asked for it, I boasted that I'm a self-hating masochist, so here I deserve it 150%.

Costs £25 to reach the gym, again, big long struggle to hop out of the swivel chair and by the time I made it past the front door, and down their handicap ramp (how ironic), I was literally doubled over my frame to free my arms from giving up - that was it!  I've now fully exhausted my upper body power and mental will too.

We paged Filippo to come out (for what, I don't know), probably to score brownie points that I did make it to the threshold of the gym (literally, at the ramp leading towards the lobby of the gym where they post "GET FIT NOW" placards to entice walk-ins) and hope to get a pat in the back.  He asked me why I couldn't I enter the gym and join him at the studio.  I said, I could only make it this far, that was it.  I've given all I had.  And I broke down.  Torrential downpour.

I cried and cried, feeling silly, stupid, vain, selfish, shallow, weak etc.  Filippo grabbed a chair from reception and asked me to sit and relax for a second.  He generously told me that he was super happy to see me come this far and that I could go home if I wanted knowing that I had enough strength to make it to physio fully the next day.

I did, the coward that I was.  Went home with my tail between my legs.  My legs were on fire the rest of the day, as if to punish me too for my cowardice and vanity.  I was frozen in the heat of summer, from overexertion (pooping does that to you too!  That's how weak and fragile you are).  It took my painkillers forever to take effect.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't move, I spent all my time tucking in my cold feet then shrugging off my blanket from perspiration.  This literally lasted from 2pm until dinner time.  I can't begin to describe what happened next, I've not been on my laptop since 3 days, and it's literally sitting 2 inches from my face.  This is how weak I was.  The irony is, most of my suffering in hindsight, is not due to my legs, G nail, clicking, wounds nor even broken bones.  It's something else that I simply did not take into account at all.