Stripe's Journal - Dr. Barinov LATN Externals

So what happened to you? you didn't finish the story....

Apartment Lengthening VII
8 CM

Alone at night I often wonder if it was simply that I was naive or whether I just didn't do enough. I couldn't really have thought that this would simply fly by, could I? A friend of mine that by circumstance of wrong place at the wrong time reflected on his time in prison as we chatted online. "You know, when I was in there time felt still. Tomorrow felt like yesterday and yesterday was the same as today. But now that I look back, it was as if it never happened."

Like everything in life, this will eventually be a distant memory that I'll only remember through people, milestones and a few foggy days that stood out here and there. What was supposed to be a mere four months has stretched out to half a year of never ending ups and downs. One day you're walking down the hallway one crutch at a time relishing in the excitement of being closer to your way home and the next you're in bed wondering when if at all you'll ever recover. In short it's been the longest 7 months of my life.

It's been two months now since I've stopped lengthening. My goal had been to fix my ballerina in three weeks and continue on to the last couple of centimetres before hitting the home run. I could sit here and tell you that I've made no progress but that would just be me exaggerating as a reflection of how I feel. When I first stopped lengthening I was walking around like a crab, with my left leg so far extended out that there was enough room between my legs to crawl through. I had to walk this way because the ballerina was so high on my left foot that walking with both legs together meant that I would completely lose balance and tip over.

Now, I walk far better and the ballerina is much less extreme although it's still very present. Aside from all this, life has taken a few sudden turns in my personal life. When you're in a foreign country far from everything and everyone you know life back home still moves, and that can be rather confusing. Having to deal with these changes that occur in your absence can be tough but something is incredibly profound about this entire experience in that it allows you to see things with pace and acceptance. You have little choice, you're here and nothing will bring you there. Things are not the same, I no longer have the luxuries of a normal life. I haven't walked unassisted for nearly 7 months and I spend most of my days in a room alone. There is nothing to do but ponder and dream. In that i've matured in ways that I never expected and I look at myself and life much differently than I did before I came.

I must admit without hesitation that I have allowed myself to get caught up in my own thoughts and often the sheer excitement of having certain parts of me return. I got lost with the height neurosis as it came over me a couple of years ago but with the gain of 8 centimetres much of the toxicity of thought I had swam in disappeared. With that out of the way I started seeing a girl and spending more of my day in my dreams than on training. The part of me that was so anxious to return home faded and an acceptance of the process came over me instead. The fact that it's almost 32 degrees celsius everyday and that this city is surrounded by a river that hosts millions of mosquitos makes walking and stretching in the warm, sticky clinic much more of a chore than something critical. In a sense I've become okay with the time and the long waiting game.

A few days ago I woke up with a pain that I can't really put into words but I'll tell you that it wasn't something to laugh at. There was no ignoring this one, something was definitely wrong. I took three tablets of painkillers and dragged myself into the sweltering heat as I shook my hair in defence of a swarm of mosquitos. The entire cab ride to the clinic consisted of me pressing my head against the window as I breathed in sharply every 4 seconds to block out the pain. When I finally saw Dr. Barinov he pushed into one of my pins and I almost slapped the goatee off his chin. He dodged my hand and laughed to himself as he took off his rubber gloves "looks like you might have bone cutting" he says without any further explanation.

So that's where I am now in this journey, doesn't look like there's an end in sight anytime soon but at this point I've learned to accept it and allow myself to grow mentally instead of just physically but we'll see where it all goes.

This is Hanes. Be strong, lil nigga. It was a hard 11 months for me as well, but trust me, the feeling at the end is amazing.

Reflection: The two worlds of short and tall
Written at 8 CM

The other night I was listening to a society and culture podcast called This American Life. On this particular episode the topic revolved around the way society perceives and talks about fat people and how it feels to live in a body that society considers shameful.

One of the guests was a woman named Elina Baker who had lost 110 pounds in a few months and she discussed at length her experience of transitioning into what others perceived to be a completely different person. One of the first observations she had was that people were much kinder to her and that she had to put in less effort to receive the same things she worked hard for when she was overweight.

She compared this to the idea that there existed two worlds, one where skinny people thrive and the other that only fat people lived in. The world fat people lived in was a world where walking down the street meant receiving judgemental looks, barely being able to hold meaningful or long conversations with strangers and being overlooked for job promotions, friendships and attention from the opposite sex.

Of course listening to this I couldn’t help but draw parallels between her transition and the one I’ve only started to experience myself. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I completely understand how she feels because being obese and being short are definitely not the same. In fact for me I had lived a pretty privileged life in that I had dated beautiful girls, had many friends, held great jobs and essentially achieved everything that everyone else could. These things she only was able to experience after she became skinny but what’s similar is that certain aspects of life became much easier.

Recently I’ve been spending some time with a girl that I only met about a month ago. Now, this girl caught my eye when I first saw her but I was far too focused on getting through this process to really put in any time or effort to get to know her. At one point I spent a couple of nights working late in the fitness room and we struck up conversation. Within two days we were making out and cuddling until 6 in the morning.

What’s significant about this situation is that this girl is the same height as my starting height. In fact even when I look at her now, she still looks tall to me. So what comes to mind is, would things have moved so quickly if I was still short? Would I have even gotten with this girl if we had still been the same height?

I mentioned earlier that getting girls was never a problem but it was still something that I needed to work for. If anything I can’t recall a time where I didn’t need to put in enough work to prove myself. With this girl however, it literally took zero effort on my part other than to make a move.

When I compare this to the girl I was seeing when I first came to the clinic there’s a sharp contrast. That girl took weeks of effort to get to know and just as much time for her to warm up to me. Both girls are the same height but the difference is that I’m now 8 CM taller.

Of course there are so many aspects here that it’s impossible to tell whether or not being taller had anything to with it. It could just be that the first girl needed more time to get to know me and the second girl is just simply someone who likes to move quicker.

When I talk to my friend Max about this he seems unconvinced that height has everything to do with it. From his perspective she’s simply attracted to the things I still had before I gained a few centimetres. She had never seen me when I was shorter but in his eyes I still would have gotten with her regardless.

In fact he says that there is a certain charm that short guys carry that no longer exists when we become taller. In some ways I know what he’s talking about, there is something friendly and charming about being short. I used to always say in defence of my stature “it fits my personality, I wouldn’t be the same if I was taller” and there’s honestly some truth to that.

I haven’t had the opportunity to really go out and experience my new height just yet but there are some differences that I’ve definitely noticed. The first thing being that I don’t feel or act small when I’m around other people. What this means is that now that I’m taller than most girls and no longer eye level with most men’s shoulders, I don’t feel diminutive or vulnerable.

What this translates into is a far more relaxed and calm personality. I’m not filled with anxiety or the need to appear bigger than who I’m around or more masculine for the girl that’s in front of me. It seems that in a way I’m not working as hard to sell myself because I don’t feel like I need to make up for anything.

When it comes to other men I don’t notice any difference from anyone that’s taller but I do notice a certain discomfort from those who are now shorter than I am. It’s a really strange feeling to have another man actually look up at you, that’s something that I’ve never really been able to experience. I won’t sit here and tell you that it doesn’t make me feel good but it doesn’t necessarily make me feel more dominant either. I will say however that when you’re taller than other people, it feels more authoritative and people do respond differently to that.

I notice this the most with first impressions. When I was shorter I always felt that the first thing that people noticed about me was my height and that they were quick to overlook me or direct their attention to anyone that was taller. When I meet people now there’s a sense of mutual respect and that I hold a presence. I might not be the tallest person in the room but it makes a big difference when you’re no longer the shortest.

As for whether or not short people live in a different world than those who are not, well that’s difficult to say. It would be hard to deny that things are easier when you’re in the average range or taller but I have to assert that it really isn’t everything.  I accomplished a lot of things while I was short and even though I had to work a little harder at times, I can never say that being a smaller man stopped me from having a good life. Like Max has said, the height has just complimented what I had worked hard to achieve in other areas. Being short may feel as the source of all your problems, but that really is far from the truth. With that being said, there’s still a lot to discover as I’m not finished lengthening but the true test will come when I’ve recovered and returned home to my own society. Only then will I really grasp what difference being in this other "world" will be like and only then will I know the extent of which this was worth it.
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If you're interested in the podcast: http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/589/tell-me-im-fat

Also Hanes, who's the patient that lengthened to 11 CM has joined this forum and commented above this post - for those who have inboxed me questions about how he's doing, you can direct your questions to him instead (please send those to him through personal message and not on this journal) As well for those that don't already know, Max is also on this forum as ecb1992, I get questions about him pretty often so forward those to him if they come up.

What is your starting height?

@Stripes: Awesome post. And exactly what I expect from this..

Nice diary.

Really would like to know your starting height if you're willing to share. (or your new height, don't worry...I'm good at math.  )

@CCMidwest, @The View:

He was 166 before surgery. I will always and forever be taller than him before surgery 166.5    . Just wanted to through that out there before this post gets removed anyways 

But seriously if you guys have any questions just Stripes  directly through pm.

I've been following this diary just recently, didn't really feel like it before since I wasn't going to this doctor, but... Congrats on your gain. 174 CM is a great height already. Also happy you are satisfied with it and that you're using it well.

Congrats all around.

Hi Stripes,

Please update, I hope you are okay and you have reached your desired goals!